What do you say.....

As I sit today and reflect back 10 years, it is the strangest feeling. Seems like a dream more than reality! I remember sitting in the ER, holding my son in my arms and thinking there was no way I was going to survive this pain. I could hear laughter in the hallway coming from the Dr. that only minutes before had pronounced my child's death.  I didn't know how he could be laughing when he had just told a "mommy" and a "daddy" that their son was gone. I remember them coming in the room and asking me almost  immediately if I was going to donate my son's organs. Thinking, how could you be asking me this? Are you fricking insane right now!! Thank God my husband was stronger than me at the moment and was able to answer, "yes" for me because all I wanted to do was murder them at that very minute.Couldn't they see that I was dying inside? Then, they brought in the chief of police. He came and sat with us for some time. He was to draw blood from me and make sure there was no indication of alcohol or drugs in my system. After sitting for awhile, he started telling my husband and I a story about how 10 years before he had backed over his son and had gone through the same thing. I remember thinking to myself, there's no way in hell you went through this kind of pain and are able to just sit there and talk about it like it was nothing. "you don't understand" was all I could think. I joined support groups, but then again, their loss was not as new as mine and so they didn't appear to understand what I was feeling. As I look back now, 10 years down the road, I know that they all knew what I was feeling. The pain does get better as time moves forward and it is okay! It doesn't mean you have forgotten your loved ones. I remember thinking that I never wanted to be like these other parents who had lost their children and moved on because it seemed like without the pain you were forgetting your child, and that is not the case at all. You learn to live again, one step at a time but you NEVER forget. You still have that ache in your heart, you still cry, you still miss them everyday, but you learn to move forward because you have no choice, and with time comes healing!

Ok, so you may be wondering why this post is called "What do you say...) well, I mention all of this because a dear friend of mine lost her little brother 2 days ago. My friends family is from Pakistan. Her and her husband live here in the US. Her mother and two siblings came to stay this summer. We all went out one night to bowl. It was so cute to see her siblings "bowl" because they never had that chance in Pakistan. They were 14 and 16 years old but they were as excited as little children would be over this new sport they had just discovered. Her siblings had to head back to Pakistan on the 27th of September for school. I got the word yesterday that her 16 year old brother had been shot and killed just a few days after getting home from here. My heart is aching. I am so sad for this family. I DO know what they are feeling. So, now I reflect back to my loss and try and think of what I can do. Days after I lost my son were a blur but you never forget the 'stupid' things that people will say when they just don't know what to say! Things like, "he/she is better off", "your still young, you can have more","your so strong", these are things that you absolutely do NOT say. I came to understand that people don't really know what to say or do but they have the best intentions,  the best thing to do if you don't know what to say, is say nothing at all. Cry with your loved ones, hug them, be there for them, don;t ask what you can do because they're going to say nothing, just do it!! I'm not going to say anything to my friend, she knows about my loss, and she may look at me like I looked at these other parents above and she may think I don't understand what she's really feeling, but I DO and I am going to love her, hug her and let her know in my own silent way, that I KNOW!!

My "Little Mister" missed everyday

Shattered dreams

It was July 9th, 2002. It started out like any other day. I was the head of a boy scout troop in Logan Utah and was putting together a Hawaiian Luau for the boys before we took a 6 week break and  resumed again in the fall. Have you ever wondered if things were set in order before a day even started? Predestined? I took my son Jacob and headed out to the Dollar tree to get some party decor. On the way, we stopped at the bank to get some cash. As we were heading out of the parking lot a car rushed to make it through a yellow light and hit us on the passenger side. The car was totaled but Jacob and I were fine. We walked to a restaurant across the street so that I could call my husband at work to come pick us up. Jacob and I sat on a boulder and waited for our ride. He started to cry because of a hangnail he had on his big toe! I responded that he was fine, "it's just a little ouchie!!" Man, the little things we can live to regret. ( I now have a plaster casting of my son's foot that sits in my closet and I can see that hangnail. A constant reminder that Mommies should always kiss ouchies, no matter how small.)
My husband soon arrived and took us back to the house. I was having some neck and shoulder pain and decided I would set up an appointment to see a chiropractor. I was to be there at 3:00 in the afternoon.At 2:30 my friend called from Colorado. I hadn't heard from her in a while so instead of laying Jacob down for his afternoon nap I chatted with my friend on the phone. Around 2:50 I finished my call. Just in time to head out the door for my appointment. As I went downstairs Jacob was playing with his big Pokemon marbles and bouncy ball with his 6 year old brother. The other two boys were sitting on the sofa watching TV. I will never forget this picture in my mind because it is the last time I would see my little "mister" alive, playing happily, not realizing that in just a few short minutes his little life would be taken away from us.
I continued to my vehicle and got in to leave.(Ford Expedition) As I backed out I felt a thump on my back bumper. I looked behind wondering what it could possibly be. It was garbage day, did I bump the neighbors can? I decided to pull forward and get out to see, this was THE biggest mistake I have ever made in my life and get to live with everyday. As I pulled forward I felt my wheel go over the object in the road. I was a little worried now, oh my gosh, was the cat out, the neighbors cat? As I got out of my vehicle I saw a gold shine over the object. I thought to myself,  "maybe one of the neighbor kids left a bike in the road, great!" As I got closer the shine went away and to my absolute shock and horror my son Jacob Morgan Sanchez lay there in the road, lifeless! Words can't describe what a mom feels at that moment in time. A part of my very heart and soul died that day. Now, 10 years later, I still search for myself  and who I used to be. This blog is my journey. My Story of tragedy and life never the same.Painful memories tucked away where they are safe. Something I have learned to do to survive.

Dedication

 This blog is dedicated to my son and "Angel" Jacob Morgan Sanchez. This is my story of love, loss and learning to find the way back when all seems to have been taken away! It is a continuous battle I fight everyday. One of great strength, courage and hope. My wish is to be be able to reach out to others who have suffered a great loss and to let them know they are  not alone. We are one of many, though not by choice. I wish to use this blog to share the ongoing battles I fight within myself everyday. Depression and despair, anxiety and post traumatic stress.
 Once strangers to me,  now my closest enemies! Unwanted guests, that I have to face and try and make peace with most everyday! WE are not alone, and WE will WIN this fight! Though the path may seem long and some days impossible, there is HOPE, and we will conquer and win the battle in the end, when we once again hold our loved ones in our arms and our broken wings are once restored to perfect form, we will fly!! Peace to you, Stacy