As I sit today and reflect back 10 years, it is the strangest feeling. Seems like a dream more than reality! I remember sitting in the ER, holding my son in my arms and thinking there was no way I was going to survive this pain. I could hear laughter in the hallway coming from the Dr. that only minutes before had pronounced my child's death. I didn't know how he could be laughing when he had just told a "mommy" and a "daddy" that their son was gone. I remember them coming in the room and asking me almost immediately if I was going to donate my son's organs. Thinking, how could you be asking me this? Are you fricking insane right now!! Thank God my husband was stronger than me at the moment and was able to answer, "yes" for me because all I wanted to do was murder them at that very minute.Couldn't they see that I was dying inside? Then, they brought in the chief of police. He came and sat with us for some time. He was to draw blood from me and make sure there was no indication of alcohol or drugs in my system. After sitting for awhile, he started telling my husband and I a story about how 10 years before he had backed over his son and had gone through the same thing. I remember thinking to myself, there's no way in hell you went through this kind of pain and are able to just sit there and talk about it like it was nothing. "you don't understand" was all I could think. I joined support groups, but then again, their loss was not as new as mine and so they didn't appear to understand what I was feeling. As I look back now, 10 years down the road, I know that they all knew what I was feeling. The pain does get better as time moves forward and it is okay! It doesn't mean you have forgotten your loved ones. I remember thinking that I never wanted to be like these other parents who had lost their children and moved on because it seemed like without the pain you were forgetting your child, and that is not the case at all. You learn to live again, one step at a time but you NEVER forget. You still have that ache in your heart, you still cry, you still miss them everyday, but you learn to move forward because you have no choice, and with time comes healing!
Ok, so you may be wondering why this post is called "What do you say...) well, I mention all of this because a dear friend of mine lost her little brother 2 days ago. My friends family is from Pakistan. Her and her husband live here in the US. Her mother and two siblings came to stay this summer. We all went out one night to bowl. It was so cute to see her siblings "bowl" because they never had that chance in Pakistan. They were 14 and 16 years old but they were as excited as little children would be over this new sport they had just discovered. Her siblings had to head back to Pakistan on the 27th of September for school. I got the word yesterday that her 16 year old brother had been shot and killed just a few days after getting home from here. My heart is aching. I am so sad for this family. I DO know what they are feeling. So, now I reflect back to my loss and try and think of what I can do. Days after I lost my son were a blur but you never forget the 'stupid' things that people will say when they just don't know what to say! Things like, "he/she is better off", "your still young, you can have more","your so strong", these are things that you absolutely do NOT say. I came to understand that people don't really know what to say or do but they have the best intentions, the best thing to do if you don't know what to say, is say nothing at all. Cry with your loved ones, hug them, be there for them, don;t ask what you can do because they're going to say nothing, just do it!! I'm not going to say anything to my friend, she knows about my loss, and she may look at me like I looked at these other parents above and she may think I don't understand what she's really feeling, but I DO and I am going to love her, hug her and let her know in my own silent way, that I KNOW!!
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